Why I Hate Positano, Italy

I hated Positano, it really feels good to say it aloud. I was originally going to do a full review of this town, but it has so few redeeming qualities that a post sharing my angst felt more appropriate. Yes, hating a posh rich town is a shining example of a first world problem, but so be it, I live in the first world.

The town, which is located on the Amalfi Coast, was our first stop of three in Italy (Sicily, and Sorrento being the other two). On the surface Positano was beautiful, but not all that shines is silver (it cannot be compared to gold…unless you are amongst fools). Positano was like going on a date with a model only to find out she has a hairy back, webbed feet and a bad laugh…

Maybe it is just the way I travel, I like to explore, I love good food and I like to be a bit uncomfortable. Also, it is nice to get some deals on these activities, food and wine especially. Deals that are usually common around Europe. Positano had none of these qualities, in fact it represented everything I hate about travel, but first…

The One Thing I liked About Positano: The Views

I will keep this short, there is one thing that prevented this area from being a total train wreck. It is beautiful, deceptively so, it tricks you into thinking you are in paradise. Driving along the Almafi Coast you will see spectacular views. The large cliffs overlooking the Mediterranean Sea were lined with expensive homes and hotels. I have always loved a good view and it is fair to say Positano had a lock on the 360 panoramic version of breathtaking scenes. When compared to Santorini, not so much, but there is no denying that it was still spectacular. Now that that, is out of the way, let me tell you why you shouldn’t go…

Reason #1) It is a Tourist Trap

Positano was about as authentic Italian as an Olive Garden in Utah. I like walking the streets and hearing the locals talk back and forth in Italian, and that is not what I heard. The main dialect was Becky from Georgia, asking where they can find spaghetti and meatballs. The area was almost entirely filled with Americans. The “locals” in the area don’t even try to speak to you in their native tongue. My wife speaks conversational Italian, and she was refuted at every instance.

At one point we were sitting at a restaurant and started talking to the couple next to us, I pointed out how many Americans were around. They said they hadn’t noticed, together we looked at twelve other tables, it was determined there was not one Italian eating at this restaurant. There is not a local spot in Positano, because there are very few locals (maybe 5?) that actually live in the town.

The touristy atmosphere can be witnessed in everything from the hundreds of trinket shops lining the streets to the band playing La Bamba (yes, that actually happened). I can’t tell you how many times I heard people say thank you in Spanish, as if all the languages are the same. The place is as big of a tourist trap as Times Square, even then 10x the trap, as at least the trinkets in New York aren’t $200.

Reason #2) It is a Rip-off

I felt like I needed to wear a chastity belt to avoid getting fucked in Positano. Everyone is up-selling, overcharging or just plain ripping you off. Restaurants were twice to four times as expensive as in Sicily, for much worse quality ( e’ tu microwave?) Yes, tourist traps are going to be more expensive, but this place is in a league of its own.

The trip didn’t start out stellar after losing my luggage, we finally get to our hotel, the Hotel Poseidon, a nice enough establishment. While we had a junior suite, the concierge was kind enough to offer me an upgrade for “very cheap” … only an extra 80 Euro a night. I know I lost my luggage, it didn’t mean I wanted to lose my innocence also. He was openly trying to screw me, in front of my wife no less. The room they showed was hot and had a balcony where one could play a scenic game of football… They didn’t even want me to look at the junior suite, which was perfect for us (and much cheaper). It was the first of many hustles.

Like when I realized that my luggage might never arrive, so I bought two shirts, a bathing suit, and a pair of shorts for nearly $300. After three days, I almost gave up and threw my wallet into the Mediterranean..

Reason #3) There is Really Nothing to Do

I like history, old churches, narrow alleys and places to explore. Positano has almost none of these. Remove the MAR Positano Villa Romana and I was struggling to find anything old, other than Gertrude from Long Island, who was looking for a casino. The Villa is under a nice, but unimpressive church and it is the only bit of history we could find…

We found ourselves walking the same beat up path over and over again. There wasn’t even a good bar scene, especially at night (the picture above was taken at 9:30). It was like a ghost town, in retrospect, fair fucks to them because I would rather be on my balcony then in any bar they had to offer.

The only thing to do there was shop for overpriced clothes! It was the second thing the hotel manager suggested that I should do after trying to upgrade our suite.

Positano is also home to a crummy beach, the chairs came with a charge of $80 for the day. I found myself in Italy…bored. I suppose one can take day trips, but why stay in a place you will be running from?

Reason #4) It isn’t Walkable

Not like there was anything to see, but the streets themselves are not easy to get around. They should give you a Sherpa as soon as you come into the town, because I felt like I needed one to help me up the cliffs they call streets. Unless you are part goat, you will not enjoy walking from place to place in Positano.

Secondly, the sidewalks range from tiny to nonexistent. There was almost no place to go when one of those scooters comes roaring out of nowhere. I don’t know if they just push the bodies off the cliffs to cover it up, but people are dying, DAILY, on those roadways…

One of my favorite things to do is stroll the streets, I hated Positano for taking that option away from me.

Reason #5) The Food wasn’t really good

Was this used to catch my Calamari or my actual meal?

‘I am in Italy, hungry and I can’t find a good meal’…is something that should NEVER come out of one’s mouth. Yet it happened on numerous occasions on our trip. There were a couple of decent places to eat, but seriously, the food was disappointing. Shockingly, it was also expensive. When I get a better pasta dish, with twice as much food, for a quarter of the price in Sicily, you know there are some problems. The food ranged from bad to just OK (there were some bright spots which I will mention in later posts).

I fasted for five days before the trip and we couldn’t get decent calamari (not fried, not grilled, just plenty of frozen calamari for Jim from Florida). Why is Santorini giving me a full grilled squid for about half the price of the slither I found in Positano? Santorini can be an expensive island, but they have pride in what they do and serve. I hated Positano for giving me so many underwhelming meals.

Conclusion

I hated Positano and I hate saying that I hated Positano. It was our first stop on an amazing Italy trip. Maybe it was the loss of luggage or the hotel trying to hustle me, but I can’t help feeling such disappointment…

I hated Positano because it was Italy-lite… it is the Epcot center built on a beautiful coastline..without the rides or the fun.

Positano is Italy for someone who doesn’t want to be bothered to step out of their comfort zone. It started our trip off badly..thank god for Sicily!