Just a Disclaimer-This is a Parody, I did not go to CHAZ
When I heard there was a new country that was now bordering the United States, I knew it had to be my next destination. I whipped open TripAdvisor to find the best hotels and flights for this mysterious place. I was a bit confused to find no information, my guess is the country is so new there was not a lot of data on it. Expedia also did not have any direct flights to Chaz, I am guessing their airport is not up and running just yet. Luckily, (Seattle intl.) is a close by alternative. The resourceful nature of CHAZ residents will have their airport running smoothly soon.
One advantage-it seems that Chaz is the only country in the world not affected by Covid-19. While we in America can’t go to the gym, they are having a 24-hour drug filled block party! These one-semester Berkley hippies are so advanced that they did in days what the rest of the world still can’t…stop the disease that is ravishing the planet. So much so that CNN, who once called protestors Covid idiots, is now praising this dreamland. Just one of the many reasons to visit this utopia!
MANINFLIGHT.COM is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. This Site Earns a Commision for Each Item Sold, With no Additional cost to You.
Currency Exchange
I wasn’t sure what the currency was of this great nation, so upon arrival I looked for the currency exchange booth. I was directed to a Chick Fil a (that was a test, it was a Sonic, Chick Fil A is not allowed within their borders) and handed the cashier a $20, I asked for Chaz dollars. I was given 5 cups of “the good ice” that was requested by many protestors. This could be bartered for any other good or service in CHAZ, especially the tofu steak stands that are scattered around the nation. I was also told I could use any form of edibles or just read from a copy of Das Kapital and I would have free access to all the resources this nation has to offer. I knew I had to act quickly to grab some accommodations before my currency melted. I felt pride already just being close to this nation…M.C.G.A. Amirite?? You can buy a Chaz currency printer from the Amazon link below.
The Good Ice
Immigration
As of now you do not need a passport to get into CHAZ, but that isn’t to say there is not an immigration “system” in place. Pulling up in the beautiful, police free country I am stopped by two heavily armed men. It is strange that a liberal paradise such as this has built a wall so fast it would make Trump turn a brighter shade of orange. For a police free zone, those heavily armed guards sure looked like they were in charge, but all they did was check my ID and ask questions. They did say that it was run Antifa, a group I assumed to be some sort of well known hot-yoga studio. They were perplexed as to who I was, but I promised to help them erect a statue of Greta Thunberg later on in the day so they would let me stay.
The Atmosphere
I always get a buzz when entering a new country, but Chaz had a Unique, but familiar buzz that I have not felt since college. Just by smelling the air, I was suddenly care free, and for some reason, an intense craving for Doritos and Devil Dogs engulfed me. Every one of my senses was on firing on all cylinders from this paradise. My ears heard the pitter patter of hacky sack, with a inordinate amount of Phish playing. Every once in a while, I heard “F- the police” whispered in the wind…ah paradise.
As for my eyes, I can only compare it to Rome. Rome is like a museum; art is around every corner. CHAZ also has art around every corner, but instead of beautiful religious relics, it was lovely boarded up shops along with misspelled, misaligned profanity on spray painted walls. This truly is the next coming of the Renaissance age.
It was so exciting to be in a place that embraced freedom of expression, speech, and thought, unlike here in the United States. As I walked past the Fox News reporter that was being curb stomped, I was eager to find my hotel.
Accommodations
One critique of the CHAZ hotel industry, the plush 5-star hotels you would expect from a hippie dreamland were not built yet. I had the choice between a 1-star tent or the back of a half-burned squad car. Some of the lucky ones were able to sleep in the People’s Stations, but you needed to have a two-inch beard (man or woman) in order to enter. I had to act quick, (since my currency was turning to soup), so I grabbed the first tent I could find. There were two well-nourished Hipsters going at it, but the didn’t mind me being there (I think they preferred it). Amenities were less than what I am used to in a hotel. The shared bathroom was in fact a porta-potty, that smelt of digested vegan hotdogs and sprouts. I could have also use the local tree, it was closer, but there was usually someone sleeping under it.
Things to Do
There was plenty of activities to keep me occupied during my stay. The list can go on and on, but below is what stood out.
Walking Tour
First thing in the morning, I make my way down to a walking tour. We were told to meet at the toppled statue, The girl leading the tour was hiding from financial companies due to the fact that she had three-hundred-thousand dollars of student debt from her advanced degree in Destroying Toxic Masculinity: Neuter them all. Most of the tour was of food trucks and the various artwork mentioned earlier. She was very versed in history, explaining how capitalism was the source of all evil (besides men). At the end of the tour, she made it clear that she worked really hard and deserved to be fairly compensated for the fruits of her labor.
The Botanical Gardens
Who knew that Berkley dropouts had such advanced botany skills? I never heard of the technique of just dumping a bunch of soil right on fully formed grass then planting kale and “herbs”; pure genius. I was assured that this is all that was needed to feed the entire community… this and the handouts from old guilty liberals and woke corporations. I do believe someone even planted an Impossible Whopper in hopes to get a plant based hamburger tree.
The People’s Station
The true highlight of CHAZ…the former police precinct. Who knew that all you have to do is get rid of the cops and the bad guys would turn into peaceful, caring people? I was allowed into this station on a temporary basis, but I had to give the rest of my good ice, which was mostly water anyway. I asked how they will stop crime and was told we don’t need the police to do that. If someone nefarious were to enter (most likely a Trump Supporter) to commit a crime, they will pray to the Care Bears who, upon arrival, will spread love and replace every crime with pure togetherness.
Local /Tourist Tensions
Whenever an area becomes too popular, there is always a push back from locals who live there and can’t handle change. Some complained that they could not drive down the road in their own neighborhood, while others said the patchouli perfume thickening the air was making them sick. After all the new citizens did for the former owners (capitalist pigs, really), like air out their shops by getting rid of those pesky windows, still old residents complained.
The good people who invented CHAZ are trying their best to help community relations. I was invited to a meeting with a local business owner as we asked for donations. My only job was to glare at him while rubbing the machete knife in my hand. After some gentle convincing (gut punches), he gave us all the money in the register and his complete stock of gummy bears.
Trying to Speak with Their Leader
I did attempt to speak with Raz Simone the incredibly famous rap star, whom no one has heard of, and the leader of this great nation. I don’t think there were elections, but who am I to speculate unsubstantiated about such a free land. Unfortunately, Chris Cuomo got there before me, and I assume he was tying Raz’s shoes. He was on his knees in front of him for a long while, so I guess there must have been a knot or something.
Conclusion
As of writing this I believe that CHAZ is being transformed into CHOP, but since when I was there it was CHAZ, that is what I will keep calling it. Maybe the world would be better off if we were all more like CHAZ. Every lawn with a big patch of dirt poured on it, every window a brick thrown through. A place where there is no need for the police, especially when you have anarchists’ claiming to be in charge. A place where free ideas are encouraged unless you disagree at all with the narrative, then they cancel you. A world where streets aren’t for driving, but for meditating and setting up conversation couches. CHAZ is so groundbreaking that these new residents don’t even need to work, they can be at this amazing street festival for weeks. I miss my time in CHAZ, but at least my eyes aren’t bloodshot anymore.
Like I said this is meant to add humor of the utter insanity that is going on in America. Regardless of how bad it seems it is probably still better than Charlotte (read my review here)!
